Blue.

Since writing that last post, I can't get this one memory out of my head.  Might as well share it with you...

I returned from the bar one night.  I was wearing a temporary prosthetic at the time.  When I got to bed I took my leg off and looked at it.  While I was walking that night I noticed a little more discomfort than usual.  When I looked down, I saw a little blue wire about a centimeter, poking out of my skin at the tip of my stump.  I touch it and it sends a zinger up my leg.  I didn't think too much of it because ever since rehab, the nurses had been pulling little parts of sutures from my leg.  I just told myself I would see to it tomorrow.

The next day I got a friend to drive me to UCSD Emergency Room in Hillcrest.  She couldn't stay but I had a good book and sat there for eight hours waiting to be seen trying not to think about that little blue wire.  Finally, a nurse brought me into the back.  She closes the door and asks me what's going on.  I take my leg off and show her that little blue wire.  She takes one look at it and says, "uh... hold on."  She leaves the room and I don't think much of it.  When she returns, it's with another nurse... She looks at it, looks at me, and asks, "has this happened before?"  I told her sorta.  Before my stump completely healed there were some sutures there.  She looked at the other nurse and said, "we have to get a doctor."

Ok.

At this time I started to get worried.  Two nurses and now a doctor looking at me with this worried expression.  When the doctor came in he took a look at it and started tugging on it.  It came out a few more painful centimeters but stopped there.  He looked at me, "Danielle, this is not supposed to be there."... (no shit, I thought but not in a mean way.)... "They should have taken this out while you were still at the hospital.  The problem here is that it is most likely tied in a knot on the end inside your leg."

Great.


I asked him what now?  He told me they were going to have to cut my leg open and cut the knot.  I told him there is absolutely no way in hell he was going to cut me.  If he cut me I wouldn't be able to wear my prosthetic.  It felt like an eternity to get that leg and start walking again and now that was going to be taken away again?  No fucking way.  He asked me what I wanted to do then.

Pull it out.

He warned me that it could cause damage and a lot of pain but I didn't give a shit at this point.  I just wanted it out of me and I wanted to walk out of that office.  They went and got me a pain killer.  Percocet.  I thought, this is really going to help me when I've been on dilauden and oxycontin for the last few months but whatever.  I didn't care anymore.

The two nurses came in.  Both on either side of me. The doctor sat down, "are you ready?"  He starts pulling.  The pain shot through me like an electric current.  From everything I'd been through, my pain tolerance was pretty high but this... this was different.  I squeezed the nurses' hands as hard as I could and they held me down.  I yelled in pain but told him to keep going.  I opened my eyes for a brief second to see him pulling this wire, now 5 inches long out of my leg that made my skin fold up like an accordian at the end of my stump.  The tears came.  The anger was with it.  Everyone yelled, "it's almost out!  hold on!"  And then it was done.  Everyone was quiet.  Seven inches of blue wire was now out of me.  I told them I needed a second and I wanted to keep that suture.  When they left I tried so hard to swallow those tears and anger.  The physical pain was gone but my head was a complete mess.  I was broken.

I sucked it up enough and got the hell out of there.  Suture in a little cup.  I call the two girls to come pick me up and I rushed out the front doors.  A tall, wide chested man that was working the counter followed me.  I sat down on a bench and absolutely lost my shit.  Cries, anger, and sadness that made me crumble.  He wanted to take me back in and get me more pain medicine.  Not that type of pain, bro but definitely appreciated the company.

The girls pull up and I pull myself together.  I thank the guy and get into the car.  At that moment, I had hit my bottom.  I couldn't fucking deal.  I told the girls that I wanted to know everything.  Every last detail of my accident because I couldn't take the confusion anymore that caused even more pain.

They said yes and I finally got away from that place.